Bad Song Blues

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Dear Britney,
Sometimes I worry that my songs are really bad. I have had several hits off my new album, but the lyrics are pretty embarrassingly awful. Some of my hits include ridiculous nonsensical cliches such as this verse of “Hit The Lights“:

It’s the plane you wanna catch to Vegas
Things you swear you do before you die
It’s the city you love that waits for you
But you’re too damn scared to fly

Or worse even, in “Love You Like a Love Song” I don’t think the writers even tried. The whole thing is basically just an admission of being too lazy to write a love song. So far my fans haven’t seemed to notice the non-existant song writing, but I am really worried that when everyone finds out my career will be ruined. What can I do?
- Selena Gomez

Dear Selena,
This is an interesting problem. Over the years I have co-written (HA!) some of my own music, but truth be told I find the trick is really in song selection. You have to pick the songs that really speak to you. On my most recent album Femme Fatale I didn’t write any of the songs. On your album When The Sun Goes Down though, I did write some of the songs.
Do you see where you are going wrong? Even Britney Spears doesn’t sing songs written by Britney Spears.
Maybe ask Ke$ha to help you out. No seriously. She wrote this for me.

So yeah. Don’t write any of your own music. And don’t use music that I have written either.
Good Luck!
- Britney

Oh Brother

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Dear Britney,
Lately my younger brother Michael Jr. has been nothing but trouble. At Coachella, where I was trying so hard to be on my best behaviour to prove to everyone that I am not crazy anymore (full disclosure: I will always be crazy), he got into trouble with hotel management for throwing a raging party in his hotel room. This does not reflect well on me at all!
What should I do to keep him in line?
Thanks,
- Lindsay Lohan

Dear Lindsay,
I was wondering when I would hear from you! I do have some experience with an out of control younger sibling. Unfortunately, this may be a case of it has to get worse before it can get better. It was somewhat embarrassing when Jamie Lynn got pregnant at 16 (way before MTV made it popular, just sayin’), but then she pretty much disappeared from the media and my life, so it all worked out for the best!
Maybe try poking some holes in your brother’s condom stash, or suggest he use the “rhythm method” of birth control.
Hope this helps,
- Britney

I CAN HAZ MAYORALTY?

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Dear Britney,
I have been developing a plan to run for mayor of Armenian Town (sometimes called Glendale) in about 5 years. Since you have more followers than me on twitter (the most accurate gage of human worth), I am wondering if you have any advice for me before I begin my campaign?
Thanks Doll,
- Kim Kardashian

Dear Kim,
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Best of luck with your campaign,
- Britney

Preppin’ to Pop

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Dear Britney,
Ever since I got pregnant, everyone has been saying I am going to be a bad mother and they haven’t even given me a chance. I know that people used to say that about you, so do you have any advice for me to prove them wrong?
- Snooki

Dear Snooki,
While I have always thought of this advice column as a resource for young and talented stars, I would be happy to help you too.
It was very hurtful to be publicly called a bad mother over and over again by the media. Here are some tips for you to avoid all the criticism that was aimed at me when my children were young:
DON’T drive with your kid on your lap. You should probably put it in a car seat or something.
DON’T stumble in public and almost drop your baby. The paparazzi made this difficult for me by constantly swarming me for photographs, but as you are considerably less famous than me hopefully it wont be so tough for you.

If you ever end up in a custody battle for your child, DO comply with what the court asks you to do.
DON’T ever hold your kids hostage from their father, no matter how high you are much you love them.
If you follow these great tips, I can’t imagine anything else could go wrong.
Good luck!
- Britney

One Direction Away from Selena

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Dear Britney,
I am so in love with my girlfriend Selena Gomez, but backstage at the Kid’s Choice Awards I caught One Direction’s Niall Horan all over her. The worst part is, she was flirting back! I am so worried that I am going to lose her. HELP!
- Justin Bieber

Dear Justin,
I understand you are concerned for your relationship, but I wouldn’t be worried about Niall. He isn’t even the lead singer of One Direction, and you are a solo act! Selena cheating on you with Niall would have been like me cheating on Justin Timberlake with Drew Lachey – IT NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.
Keep an eye on her choreographer and you should be fine.
Keep in touch!
- Britney

D. U. I wasn’t drunk, just “emotional”

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Dear Britney
After leaving a club on a recent night out I accidentally side swiped a cop car and got arrested for driving under the influence.WHOOPS!  I spent some time in jail, and my mugshot was released on the Internet; how embarrassing!
You’ve been arrested before, how did you deal with the embarrassment?
- Amanda Bynes

Dear Amanda,
I am sorry to hear that you got yourself into some legal trouble. Sometimes it can be hard to remember that all those silly laws still apply to people as beloved as I am we are.
Although you haven’t asked me, my first advice is going to address the obvious problem of why you got yourself into this situation in the first place. Girl, stop messing around and hire a driver! There is no need for someone who has had even one tenth of the success that I have had (someone like you – that is) to ever be out partying without a driver. It’s like I always say: If you can’t hire a car, don’t go to the bar!
To address your question, I find the best way to deal with a big embarrassment in the media is to get the public on your side! I accomplished this by having a a couple of kids before I let myself get too crazy. Everyone roots for you when you are the mother of vulnerable toddlers. If you don’t want to go that far, try being photographed adopting a dog or something.
I’m glad to see your dad is speaking out on your behalf. Dad’s can be pretty helpful in times of need.
Best of luck!
- Britney